Monday, February 2, 2009

An imaginary expanse

I am struggling with image today. The monster is in my head complaining, screaming, angry and with it I feel my body expand in parts. Stomach, thighs, arms, cheeks. I know that it is impossible they are larger than they were yesterday by more than millimeters, but it feels like more than that. I call these days, "fat days". I have heard people without EDs talk about "fat days", and I wonder if it is the same. I want to hear that it is not. I want to hear that people without EDs don't cry about how they look. I want to hear that they have never felt a sudden expanding of their own flesh (an imaginary expanding).  Yet, I have a feeling that is not true. Why do we spend so much time hating ourselves? Why do these feelings haunt me? How do you make it go away? 

5 comments:

Courtney said...

I'm intrigued: how would it help?- to know that "fat days" are different for folks without ED? How would it make things easier/better in your thoughts?
I love you.

Anonymous said...

Remember you were wondefully and beautifully made in the perfect image of God.

alannajoy said...

I think knowing there was another way out there is the main thing. I have trouble believe in a non-disordered life, so I wonder what it is like for those without a diagnosable ED. I want to get to the point that I am fully recovered, but I wonder if that means I will still have to deal with days like that. I want to know someone in the world loves the body God gave them because that means it is possible.

Anonymous said...

it is possible....I know many people that without a doubt love their bodies

Courtney said...

I love the body God gave me. It is possible.