Notes from a Former Self

When you look back on things you have written, are you ever struck by the wisdom of your former self?

 Both of this quotes are from letters to dear friends. 

"Recovery isn't being perfect. Recovery is falling down, getting muddy, tripping over your own feet, taking a few steps backwards, and making mistakes. It is crawling when your legs are too weak to stand. It is believing that, no matter what, you must carry on."

-me 

"Perhaps, there is no real line between recovery and E.D.... just a continum of struggle and joy. I think the fear can be a good thing, a motivating thing. It means you are aware that at this point, recovery is fragile. But out of fragility comes the greatest strength possible. I am confident in that. Don't worry about being in recovery forever: that is far too daunting. Worry about being in recovery for this moment, for this meal, for this bite. I KNOW you can do it."

- me

Let it all go...

Let it all go, my dear,  let it all go. Breathe in; breathe out. 

Don't worry about what "they" are thinking. Don't wish you were better understood. This is YOUR life. What do you need? What can you do with these shattered pieces? What is your heart screaming? 

You are loved. Even when no one understands the words you say, many love you. Remember that always. You are loved. Breathe in; breathe out. Let go... 

"Gradually, then suddenly."

In The Sun Also Rises Mike Campbell is asked how he fell into bankruptcy. He answers with three words, "Gradually, then suddenly."

Is this not how we all fall? No matter our weakness, it seems we slip and slide slowly; and then, it is a free fall.

At least that is how I feel about this relapse- and every relapse for that matter. It was a slow slide: skipping exchanges, a purge here and there, a little less of a serving, a missed meal. Then one day I woke up and it was gone. My grasp on sanity and health: gone. It happened all at once, but gradually too. Little by little I fell rapidly.

Like Petals gone from a rose...