Ascending from the Disorder

I did a series on the process of recovery for my final project in digital art. The final product ended up being really meaningful for me. It is hard for me to voice the change that has taken place, but it is as big as black to white. No, I am not fully recovered. Yes I have moments where I am back in frame one, but overall I feel such release.  

 

 

Not my most profound works, but really meaningful to me. 

After years of fighting, I feel as if I am finally getting somewhere. My mind is on this whole new plane of functioning. I feel... normal. That is scary. I still struggle with behaviors and thoughts, but life comes before food now. Life comes before perfection. Life is my new passion. It is something I have never tasted before: living. Really living. 

This may not be the most recovery centered post... That said I have been trying to figure out what is pulling me back to the ED when I am doing so very well. In the middle of psych class --appropriate, no?-- this hit me. 

My flesh wraps around me like a foreign winter coat. It is too warm, too heavy, too hulking. I imagine something intangibly not me hanging, sagging off my frame. Inside I am still fragile, broken, thin; but this flesh, this coat, disguises it. 

The bulk disgusts me: I want to be transparent. I am tired of hiding. I want it to be obvious to the world that I am not a rock. I don't want to hear about my strength anymore: I am tired of being strong. I want my body to be unencumbered. I want it to communicate the distress I feel. I want to be thin again. 

I am, obviously, not acting on these urges. I am fighting. I am following my meal plan, doing the healthy thing, not purging, etc. I am just getting so tired. Not to mention I feel like I am carrying someone else's body around. When will it get easy? 

Quotes for the day

"Your life is a sacred journey. And it is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way. You are on the path... exactly where you are meant to be right now... And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love."  
Caroline Adams

"Recovery isn’t about looking at the areas in which we think that we’ve failed; it’s about looking at the potential that we all have for success. Recovery isn’t about the damage that we’ve done to ourselves - whether or not we’re fully aware of how much or it’s something that comes back to haunt us later on - it’s about the plans that we have to heal and about the ways in which it’s possible to turn everything around."

-unkown

“The point is that our past- or what we might see as flaws- can create beauty. You and I must understand, really understand, all the way to our core, that we are beautiful. Just the way we are.”

-Holly Wagner Warrior Chicks 

More Than Skin Deep

I have come to believe that real beauty has nothing to do with the images that flow through our unsuspecting eyes. Beauty isn't tactile or visible: it is a feeling. It walks hand in hand with love and acceptance. It doesn't care about smudged make-up, blemishes, disheveled hair, extra weight, thunder thighs, crooked teeth, or pale skin. True beauty can't be contained in a painting, a photo, or one person. It is illusive. It is flowing. It is defies any preconceived notion. It is, in itself, beautiful.

Discontent

I have been doing well on all accounts. My therapist says he is proud. My dietician smiles and tells me I am on the right track. I don't think about food, food, and only food. Yet with all of this progress, I stand in front of the mirror still angry. 

Why is it still so hard? I am still inadequate. I want the low-weight back: I felt okay about my body. I want the energy (yes not eating gives you a high) of starvation back. I want to be that productive again. I want... I want.. I want...

What about what I have?  My hair is healthy, my skin isn't dry, my nails don't break. I have friends. I can think about something other than calories, food, bones, fat... I found God again. I started painting again. I am not getting into wrecks. I have a clear brain. I am on time and (GASP) even early for things. 

Why is all that not enough. Why I am not glad for what I have? 

Discontentment: my current enemy.