This may not be the most recovery centered post... That said I have been trying to figure out what is pulling me back to the ED when I am doing so very well. In the middle of psych class --appropriate, no?-- this hit me. 

My flesh wraps around me like a foreign winter coat. It is too warm, too heavy, too hulking. I imagine something intangibly not me hanging, sagging off my frame. Inside I am still fragile, broken, thin; but this flesh, this coat, disguises it. 

The bulk disgusts me: I want to be transparent. I am tired of hiding. I want it to be obvious to the world that I am not a rock. I don't want to hear about my strength anymore: I am tired of being strong. I want my body to be unencumbered. I want it to communicate the distress I feel. I want to be thin again. 

I am, obviously, not acting on these urges. I am fighting. I am following my meal plan, doing the healthy thing, not purging, etc. I am just getting so tired. Not to mention I feel like I am carrying someone else's body around. When will it get easy?