Fear and Shame

 I have always seen the best of specialist. Although my family seemed to always believe it was those doctors' and dietitians' v job to save me, it has always been my responsibility to cure myself.  It is another tragic enigma, however, that responsibility does not always fall on those with ability. From the very beginning I was told that if i had the will, then I had the power to recover. As much as I want to believe that, I sincerely think it is a devastating fallacy. As horrible as the eating disorder has been, I honestly believe it saved me at times. If I hadn't had that purpose, that goal, that awful comfort, that taunting voice pushing me along, I believe I would have long ago give up on this life. I believe that I would have long ago fallen and stayed down. I have to admit that at times my sheer brokenness has kept me alive. There were times I had all the will to beat the disorder, but I really don't believe had the power to. At those times, doing so would have sent me into a world without an ounce of light. 

Today as I stand with my feet on the ground, more recovered than I have been since I was 15, I wonder if it will ever be possible for me to truly leave this behind...forever. I have this feeling that I am afraid to even voice. It frightens me because my whole self is screaming that it is an inevitable truth. All those I trust will insist that this is a choice, that I can change it, and that the feeling is just that: a feeling. I am too ashamed to share it, too afraid to really believe it, and too comforted by it to truly fight it. 

( I feel as though a relapse is approaching  and there is no way to avoid it; that I HAVE to go through it.) 

That whole faith thing...

I have had the aversion to Church, bible study, etc. lately. I wish I could tell you I have been diligent in my relationship with God even so. The nasty truth is, however, I have not. I don't know what is wrong with me. When I was in the hospital in February, all I did was pray. I had just emerged from a class on Nuero-theology (also called the biology of belief) and my faith was stronger than EVER. I still had issues with the church, but it didn't bother me to attend. The bible study I was going to helped so much to bring God and God's strength back into my life. 

But lately, I get upset when I even think about Church. I can't pin-point what is wrong, but something bothers me. This Sunday, I went to a church in Fredericksburg with my friend. After the praise and worship part of the service, I spent the whole sermon almost bursting into tears. Again, I have no idea why. The pastor only said one thing I disagreed with (that is the topic for another post), but I still wanted to sob or run or yell something obscene. 

What is wrong with me? 

Who always will

 "In the end we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationships we were too scared to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make. There comes a time in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, and who always will."

Fearless

What would I do if I were FEARLESS? 

1. Stop obsessing about food and weight. 

2. Wear a bathing suit in public. 

3. Wear t-shirts, shorts, tank-tops, anything that shows my scars. 

4. Work out just for fun; not with an agenda to burn calories. 

5. Laugh too loud, too long. 

6. Be honest about my past. 

7. Eat dessert without bingeing, purging, restricting later, or feeling guilty. 

8. Call old friends. 

9. Be okay with causing people "trouble", or being "a burden" at times. 

10. Breathe freely

11. Accept help without fighting.

12. Call friends when I need help and support. 

13. Meet new people. 

14. Be honest about my feelings with my family and my friends. 

15. Drink caloric beverages

... 

Old writing

 I wrote this about a friend who was clearly falling at a time she should have been celebrating. It is from a few years ago, but I thought it expressed the eating disorder's effects from another side. 

Your eyes had no color; only emotion shining through the blank spaces. They were mere pools of pain, wells of sadness, oceans of anxiety. Fear and worry twisted my stomach as I looked at you. Was it even you? Someone new stared out at me through a face set, painted, and fixed to mask the true you. What took you away? Why, at the happiest time of life, are you so reserved,  so gone? 

Meltdown explained

Last night I had a major melt down. I mentioned below that it was inexplicable, but the more I thought about it, the more I began to see all the things that could have triggered it. Perhaps the most profound realization I had is that maybe the emotion and panic was so intense, so overwhelming because I haven't allowed myself a moment to process all the little things --and not so little things-- that have happened. The bout of crazy anxiety I have had has kept my attention focused on being safe. Not to mention, it has been much easier to avoid thinking about all these things. 

That said, last night at group things I have forbade myself to linger on poured out of my mouth. I cried there, but it was one of those restricted cries. One of the cries that just cause more tears to build in you heart. A lot of issues were brought up. A lot of my feelings were validated. A lot of things were brought to my attention. 

First thing, I am not giving myself an ounce of credit. I have been off a lot of my medication for a month and a half. I have not seen my therapist in four weeks, my dietician in two, and my psychiatrist in two months. Yet, it has been 14.5 weeks since I self-harmed. I am not eating perfectly balanced meals, but I am holding my ground against ED. I am okay. I have had these panic attacks. I have bought razors. I have purged. But the thing is, I threw the razors away. I dealt with the panic attacks, I did the next right thing. I am okay. I am surviving. I need to realize that. 

Also... the whole scare did not go away the moment it was technically proven to be nothing. I have been thinking it is over and done with, but the ladies at group made me realize there are still ripples in the pond. That is a big ol' rock to throw in. It scared the crap out of me. It made me re-evaluate. It changed me. I need to embrace that and give myself time to recover and heal. I need time to be at peace with it. 

Related to that, I have been doing things that I am not comfortable with. It was hard for me to realize this, but when Susan said it is okay to not want to... I just felt such relief flood over me. I had already vowed not to because of the scare we had, but it felt like that had to be the reason. What if I don't want to share my body? What if I am not ready for that? I need to let that be okay. 

This is list could go on but those were the major things I wanted off my chest. 

Inexplicable

Tonight I have been inexplicably, indescribably upset. 

Scared?

Anxious?

Angry?

Sad? 

I just don't even know! 

I think I need to write more. I think I need to document what is going on in this swirling, chaotic mind of mine. I think I need to let out all of this crazy. I think I need a little peace of mind. 

Ecstatic

There is no crisis.

I am going to be okay.

Life is going to be okay. 

I get a second chance. 

A chance to start over. 

I am so thankful. 

Fear

I am scared... this is potentially the biggest crisis I have had in a really long time. 

The worst part... I can't talk about it. Not till I know for sure. 

I just needed to share that I am scared. 

On top of all that, I have to face another birthday in a week. I hate my birthday. I don't want people to pay attention and do things for me. Yet, I really don't want people to forget again. 

I feel self-centered for even thinking about this. 

.... just breathe...