There is no Waste

"I will praise the God who gives and takes away, for he never wastes a wound."

Favorite Song of the Week

Scar - Missy Higgins

He left a card and a bar of soap with
scrubbing brush next to a note,
That said "use these down to your bones".
And before I knew I had shiny skin and
it felt easy being clean like him,
I thought "this one knows better than I do"

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle
He tried to cut me so I'd fit

And doesn't that sound familiar?
Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could've gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar that everyone wants a little more.

So that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?

So the next one came with a bag of treats,
She smelled like sugar and spoke like the sea
She told me don't, trust them trust me.
Then she pulled at my stitches one by one,
Looked at my insides clicking her tongue,

And said "This will all have to come undone".

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle,
She tried to blunt me so I'd fit.

And doesn't that sound familiar?
Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver;
the way things could have gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar,
that everyone wants a little more?
So that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?

I think I realized just in time,
about my old self was hard to find.
You can bathe me in your finest wine but I'll never give you mine.
'Cos I'm a little bit tired of fearing that
I'll be the bad fruit nobody buys,
Tell me, did you think we'd all dream the same?

And doesn't that sound familiar?
Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver;
the way things could have gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar
that everyone wants a little more?
so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?
could you leave me with a scar? ah-ah-ah.

could you leave me with a scar

Tomorrow is not Yesterday

Depression comes from focusing on what has been. That is, it can spring from mourning -- extensively so-- the past. Anxiety, on the other hand, springs from a focus on and relentless worry about the future. In recent months, depression has had little or no place in my life. I am, however, constantly controlled by my anxiety.

My present world is peaceful and filled with love; but how can that stay? Maybe my vision is clouded by the trauma and abuse of my past, but I am consistently waiting for “the other shoe to drop”. My prayers are filled with, “God, let him stay... Let me be enough... Don’t allow me to lose this... Don’t let me push him away...” My dreams are filled with car accidents, returning sickness, anger, shame, lies, leaving, and other loves. Every little change in energy, every distracted eye, every mention of another woman cause my mind to dream up more catastrophe.

None--or extremely little-- is based in any sort of truth. The only time I am confident the world will be okay is when my head is buried in his shoulder. After a few moments, however, I worry my clinginess will push him away. I know if anything will make him leave, it is my fear. But how do I trust? How do I not worry? How do I know-- for sure-- that today is not going to be like my yesterday.

New Year's Goals

I don't make traditional "New Year's Resolutions" because I feel like they tend to be gradoise and seldom realistic, however I do have a few "New Year's Goals."

1.) Slowly reduce and ultimately eliminate Diet Coke from my life.

My dietician and I discussed the fact that my main intake is Diet Coke. I am dependent on it. I am basically pumping my body full of chemicals all day. I drink 4-7 cans a day.

2.) Not use ensures when I don't feel like eating.

I just need to eat. Just eat, even when it is uncomfortable or difficult.

3.) Balance my diet.

Protein! Vegtables! Dairy!

4.) Maintain my no purging.

I HAVE MADE IT A MONTH AND A DAY!!

5.) Stay on my meds.

For the WHOLE year.

There ya have it. Alanna's 2010 goals.

"It is okay to be happy"

It is hard for me to grasp sometimes: the idea that I can be happy. I remember a girl who would lie her exaughisted body in front of her stereo and beg for the music to take her away. Now I see a woman who eats dinner and sits on the couch and laughs. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to learn to laugh. To really laugh: freely, from the bottom of your stomach, screeching breaths and hiccuping as you go. As someone wise said, “It is okay to be happy.”