Depression comes from focusing on what has been. That is, it can spring from mourning -- extensively so-- the past. Anxiety, on the other hand, springs from a focus on and relentless worry about the future. In recent months, depression has had little or no place in my life. I am, however, constantly controlled by my anxiety.
My present world is peaceful and filled with love; but how can that stay? Maybe my vision is clouded by the trauma and abuse of my past, but I am consistently waiting for “the other shoe to drop”. My prayers are filled with, “God, let him stay... Let me be enough... Don’t allow me to lose this... Don’t let me push him away...” My dreams are filled with car accidents, returning sickness, anger, shame, lies, leaving, and other loves. Every little change in energy, every distracted eye, every mention of another woman cause my mind to dream up more catastrophe.
None--or extremely little-- is based in any sort of truth. The only time I am confident the world will be okay is when my head is buried in his shoulder. After a few moments, however, I worry my clinginess will push him away. I know if anything will make him leave, it is my fear. But how do I trust? How do I not worry? How do I know-- for sure-- that today is not going to be like my yesterday.
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