Fork in the Road

roughly transcribed 

Me: "I just don't know. I really don't know."

Heidi: "But Alanna, you DO know. You have seen both paths, you know where they lead: you DO know.
This is less about you having decided to go down the Eating Disorder path again than the fact that you can't leave your fork in the road. You are not taking a step toward recovery and you won't let yourself say "Screw it I am just gonna starve to death." You are stuck in your own little circle, going nowhere.
For awhile you probably just stood there, staring at the two paths. You weren't going to take a step in either direction untill you knew for sure the safest way. Then you got tired and brought a chair to sit on. Then you decided you always wanted to be able to come back to the chair: it was safe. So, you decided to cement it there. Then you were afraid of falling out of the chair and rolling down the hill. So, you handcuffed yourself to the chair. Now people are coming up to you and offering to set your free. They are asking you how you got here. You say you don't know or don't remeber; but really, you handcuffed yourself to that chair at the fork in the road."