Nurture?

There is a photo that used to sit in my mother's office. An image of me, a freshly bathed and night-gowned toddler, currled up on my mother's lap as she read me a story. I always found it sweet, a testament to the love and nuturance I seldom felt; but now I wonder why I don't have memories of these times.

I remember the occasional tucking in: I would ask to have her litterally tuck me in so that I was in a cocoon of blankets. I remeber reading Mrs Frisbie and the Rats of NIMH with her. I remember a trip to the beach when I was 10, but the line doesn't go on long. By the middle of elementary school, my mother had become someone who was only a part-time guest in my life. She had a way of comming home just in time to stop my Dad from entering his second hour of lecturn and rant about some miniscule thing I had done: a split bottle of Windex stands out in my mind. Other than that, I remember her comming home from work late, and colapsing in her recliner. Most of all, I remeber feeling wierd that it was my father who took care of me all the time.

I remember wondering, what it was like to come home from school to a mother that met you on the bus stop and fixed you a snack. I was used to walking over the hill from the bus stop to our house, trudging up the steps. I would drop my backpack, sweater, left shoe, right shoe, left sock, right sock behind me as if I needed a trail to get back down. I remember peaking into the master bedroom, whispering I was home just to pretend someone knew. Or sometimes, declaring loudly that I am here and then being reprimanded for startling my father out of his drugged stupor- called a nap. I would then follow my trail back down the steps. I remember, switching on the T.V. (It seems not so strange that all I ever wanted to watch was Full House now), climbing onto the counter to search for a snack ( and hanging upside down from a chair to eat and watch.

Is this not what childhood was suppose to be. Was I suppose to have supervision? Was someone suppose to ask me what I learned in school and if I had a good day?