Thursday, May 7, 2009


I am currently sitting alone in my Father's house in Seattle, WA. I'll be the first to admit being alone in a house isn't my idea of fun; but honestly, I really need some time to process my feelings.
My body has changed so much over the past five months... it is horrible. I want my old body back. I have been amazed by the beauty of recovery, but I find myself questioning really how great it is. I am so unhappy in my body. It is all I can think about. I don't mean that lightly. I mean that it is constantly in my head. CONSTANTLY. It is becoming utterly unbearable. Unbearable.
I know my diachromatic thinking is faulty here... Just how do you escape it though? I still feel as if I want to fall into the disorder head first. I want to wrap it around me and let it pull off all of the uncomfortable feelings. I want the safety and hard comfort back... I want to not have to decide.