Friday, August 6, 2010

The Loss of Memory

I have driven down that part of I-95 more times than I can count. I take that same exit every time. I wish I knew what happened. Why was that day different? There are so many questions in my heart, but I would chose to never hear the answers to any of them if I could just remember what happened that one morning. They say the loss of memory is a defense mechanism. But why does my memory have to cut out the whole day of the event? I am glad I don’t remember the trauma: the collision, the pain, the fear. I just wish I could remember my state of mind as I drove. Did I break the promise that I made to never drive upset? Was it bad driving? Was it just a freak accident? What really happened? I know what the witness said it looked like. I know what the cops said the evidence showed. Why would I have swerved though? The next exit is not even a half mile down. I know I have made bad decisions in the past, but why would I do something so dumb? Why was the gravel there? Why couldn’t I regain control of my car? Why did my pelvis break in so many places? Why did my lung collapse? Why did I have brain damage? Why don’t I remember the whole next five days? It just feels so unfair that the easily biggest mistake I have ever made isn’t something I can remember. How can you forgive yourself if you can’t remember what you did?