Saturday, September 26, 2009

I have made a decision. No more jerks. No more immature losers without dreams. No more needy, clingy, abusive, or demanding guys. If that means I am alone: so be it. I have the best girl-friends in the world. I have mentors. I have family. I have God: I have enough. I am done being hurt. I am done being abused.

Thursday, September 17, 2009


This is not my old life. I have tools. I have support. I have strength. I have a new life now: I can breathe.
I must keep walking. To look back is to become a pillar of salt. When the old habits call: keep walking. When my past threatens my future, keep walking. Just keep walking.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


My independence is key to my identity. I am stubborn. I will do it myself. Whatever it is, I will do it. I am strong. I don't need to lean on other people. Or, at least, that is what I thought.
My therapist has been encouraging me to "attach". During my last session he related my refusal to attach to my issues with trust.
I want close, real, supportive relationships. I don't want to take risks. I think I am finally starting to heal: I am so afraid someone will reopen the wounds. I don't want help because if I ask and it is refused, I will never be able to take that vulnerability back. If I depend on someone and they "forget" or just "fail," where will that leaven me?
I won't be able to pretend I don't need. I won't be able to deny my wants. Not only that, but it also opens me up to the possibility of being a burden and thus having people leave me... for good.
I want to have a better life. I want to be able to start taking steps to trust, but I am not sure I can. I am not sure the risk is worth it.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


Therapist: "Let's talk about attachment."
Me: "...okay..."
Therapist:"Attach: You don't"
Me: "Alright, I guess we are done here then."

I have lived under the delusion that because I am now honest with my treatment team, my girls in group, and occasionally a few select others; I no longer have problems letting people in. However, the truth is that although I am now an active participant in life, I don't attach. In fact, I take great pride in my independence. I always have. I am not so naive as to believe I can survive alone, but I always make sure not to put too much on any other person. I fight people when they try to help me. My therapist used the analogy that often times I am drowning and when someone dives in to save me, I kick and flail and end up drowning them too. ( The Guilt Monster in my head started to scream how horrible I was at that point, but I told it to shut-up. I don't need to judge, I need to learn new ways of living.)
After a few more minutes of talk we boiled the issue down to trust. I don't trust anyone. I trust people with little things here and there, but as far as global trust goes I have none.

I really had to look at how lonely I am, how stuck in my ways I am, and how freaking stubborn I am. Starting to make changes is not so easy.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Mantras coming from my new found footing in "a good place"

The past few days have had me rising back to a good place. A very good place. I am so much more content than I have been in so long. I have realized some BIG things, had a few true revelations, and more than anything started taking care of me again.

I have come up with a couple new mantras in the past few days:

1.) "It is not my job."

This came to me as I was talking to a friend on mine. She is one of those people you would call a "leech." She takes and takes and never gives back. I was so frustrated: I was giving her the best advice I could and nothing was helping. Then it hit me, I am not her therapist: it is not my job to try to change her. Hell, it is not her therapist job to try to change her. (It is her therapist job to facilitate change, by the way.)
Suddenly I realized how often I do things because I feel obligated to, but they just aren't my job. It is not my job to make my sister happy. It is not my job to jump up everytime my roommate needs something. It is not my job to do what my mother thinks is best. It is not my job to save my friends. It is not my job to solve all the HR problems at Target. It is just not my job.

2.) "It will be okay."

I can thank my therapist for this one. We were discussing my panic over making decisions about school this semester. I referenced how scared I was that something would go wrong, and he said, "You know, you need to realize, It will be okay."
I have survived so much in my life. It wasn't okay that the things happened, but I am okay now. My sister died, it turned out okay. I totaled a car, it was okay. I totaled another car, it was okay. I got sick and had to go to the hospital, it was okay. No matter how horrible the thing seems, I can survive. Not to mention I will be so much happier if I stop the panic and realize "It will be okay."