Sunday, September 19, 2010

The nightmare that keeps haunting me...

For a few moments all I am aware of is my feet and the deep green grass. A sharp, sudden breeze whips my hair harshly into my face and the energy around me changes as I realize I am walking along the side of an interstate, Confusion and panic fill my mind as the dreamlike haze lifts from my eyes. I realize, as the next car passes, that it is a Saturn just like mine... with a bumper sticker just like mine.

Within mere moments, the car swerves near an exit and suddenly starts to spin out. With a violence unlike anything in reality, the car slams into a tree. For a few moments, I am frozen in terror but then, I begin to run. I have to get there to help. I have to help.I have to help.

The ground between me and the car (Is it my car?) seems to stretch with every step I take. Time speeds up while I remain still. Before I make it to the car, the police and the EMTs are on the scene. I watch them get a dark-haired girl out of the car and carry her on a stretcher to the ambulance. Her brown hair disappears into the ambulance and with an intense urgency, I climb in after her.

There is a furry of gloved hands. Words I don’t understand are spoken rapidly. “We are losing her!” That is all I understand. Haze fills my vision, but the sense of urgency and terror overwhelm my body.

The haze lifts to reveal the inside of an ER. I see a woman, a doctor, with blonde hair leaning over the girl from the ambulance. She sighs, smiles and says, “She is going to make it”

Everything goes black. Darker than anything I have ever experienced. A deep cynical voice states, “You may have made it, but you will never deserve that.”

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Llama Truth

In case you are looking for new posts and there is nothing here:

That is my alternate blog.

Friday, August 6, 2010

The Loss of Memory

I have driven down that part of I-95 more times than I can count. I take that same exit every time. I wish I knew what happened. Why was that day different? There are so many questions in my heart, but I would chose to never hear the answers to any of them if I could just remember what happened that one morning. They say the loss of memory is a defense mechanism. But why does my memory have to cut out the whole day of the event? I am glad I don’t remember the trauma: the collision, the pain, the fear. I just wish I could remember my state of mind as I drove. Did I break the promise that I made to never drive upset? Was it bad driving? Was it just a freak accident? What really happened? I know what the witness said it looked like. I know what the cops said the evidence showed. Why would I have swerved though? The next exit is not even a half mile down. I know I have made bad decisions in the past, but why would I do something so dumb? Why was the gravel there? Why couldn’t I regain control of my car? Why did my pelvis break in so many places? Why did my lung collapse? Why did I have brain damage? Why don’t I remember the whole next five days? It just feels so unfair that the easily biggest mistake I have ever made isn’t something I can remember. How can you forgive yourself if you can’t remember what you did?

Thursday, July 29, 2010

My Love

I am not sure what drew me to him in the beginning before we met. I was not looking to get involved again-- well not unless someone presented a permission slip from God. But for some reason, I just kept wanting to contact him. Then I, the over anxious dater, agreed to go on a date with him right after work. That broke all the rules! He would see me in my uniform (not attractive) and I would not be freshly showered. Not to mention, I only had one extra shirt in the car so I couldn’t change outfits twenty times before I left. But I went. At the end of the night I knew I wanted to see him again. I knew he was something special.

We went out again the next night. We had an amazing time and both stood outside our cars shivering holding onto those last moments of the night. When I finally got into the car, I thought about how much I wanted him to kiss me and how much I appreciated that he hadn’t tried. I knew then and there we had started something remarkable.

The next time I saw him, we were at his house. I will never forget the look in his eyes as he told me I looked beautiful. I think that is the moment I started really falling in love. I could tell this was different from any other compliment a guy had given me. This one was not self serving. This was honesty: he really thought I was beautiful. That night,I told him some of my deepest secrets, I let him hold me, I kissed him like I have never kissed before, I found that I was more comfortable with him than I had ever been anywhere.

I remember the first time we said “I love you”. I told him I was falling really hard and he told me he had already fallen. Then we both declared that we loved each other. In such a short time, this man had completely changed my life. I had never felt anything near this. Within two weeks we had discussed marriage more than once and by sixteen days he had put a ring on my finger.

Our initial story was a whirlwind. Sometimes I wonder how I knew so quickly that this was the man for me, but then the only answer I can come up with is that he is perfect for me. I think we were built to be together. He understands me like no one ever has. I feel safe when he is with me. Best of all. the girl who has felt homeless for so long feels completely at home whenever they are together.

I love you, Daniel Betts!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Desert Song

Daniel was playing around on the guitar two Sundays ago and Desert Song by Hillsong made him break down a little bit. (I think it is amazing to have a man that can be honest about when something gets to him.) At the time, I was just touched by how much he was moved. However, yesterday as I was falling apart, I found myself searching for a prayer or song to repeat to myself. The words to this song swelled from my heart. I have always found truth in it, but at times like this it becomes so real and true.

Desert Song
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

My God

I am a little ashamed to say that I am mad at God right now.
I haven't confessed this to anyone... and I fell like it is ripping my heart apart. I can't make the feeling go away. I have always told people that God can handle whatever emotions that they throw God's way but I just feel like being angry at God is so wrong in this situation.
Let's face it: what happened to me sucks. However, I am blessed and lucky to have survived and to have such prospects of full recovery. I am blessed to have so many people willing to help, lift up prayers, support my family, and send me love. I try to hold onto that gratefulness, but this bitter anger keeps boiling over my heart. I am mad this happened. I am mad at myself. I don't remember what happened, but obviously I did something dumb. Then, I am mad that I wasn't protected. I feel guilty for feeling that way because I really was. However, the greedy, sad part of me wants to know why God didn't stop it from happening. It wants to know why God didn't just let my car spin and not hit the tree. Why did I have to have such bad injuries? I know it is a silly question game, but it is still there. I look at my cut from the glass on my arm or at my legs in the wheel chair and wonder why I have to carry this. I don't believe in a God that punishes us, but I feel like I deserved this.
I don;t really know where I am going with this. I don't have too many people i feel like I can broach this subject with. I just can't keep it to myself anymore. I am having trouble talking to God because I feel such intense emotions. I hope this passes in time, but I know it will involve some work on my part.

Monday, July 5, 2010

I have spent a lot of my life being unhappy. I have wasted many years living in situations that I didn’t like, striving for goals I didn’t care about, tending to people that didn’t share my passion, and just all around settling for less than I desired. At the start of this summer, I was struggling with my eating disorder again. I felt that familiar icy cold hand on my shoulder comforting me and I watched myself do whatever it asked. As I fell further into ED’s grasp, I saw myself losing the happiness I had found over the last 6 months or so. One morning I was lying in bed planning the food I wouldn’t eat that day when it hit me that this time, it was my choice. In a inspired fit, I ran down the steps and made breakfast. I ate a bowl of cereal and drank some juice. I decided that I was turning everything back around.

That was the plan. I started right away to eat like I was suppose to. I started doing what I need to do to have a good system of meals built up. I got recipes and groceries. I stopped checking that my pants hung too loosely. I stopped obsessing about my arms. I was ready to get back on the path of success.

Then, I feel like the car accident robed all of that from me. Sure I am eating well since I got out of the hospital, but I am not doing it alone. I can’t cook or take incentive to get a meal. Someone else has to do it for me. I wanted to prove to the world and myself that I could do it, and I lost that chance.

I wanted, more than most things, to really get myself healed from the eating disorder this summer. I have the chance to make some strides with that, but I can’t do anything alone so the real test won’t come until it is all up to me. I don’t want that to land in the middle of the semester next fall. I want to be done with it now.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

The aftermath of the wreck

So, I try to stick to eating disorder issues on this blog, but I feel like I need to share what has happened recently. I thought about using my other blog but I try to keep that one upbeat so I don't want to go to much into this on there.

For those of you that know me in real life, you have probably heard I was in a bad car accident a few weeks ago. I don't remember anything about it. According to the witness, I started to miss my exit and tried to get it at the last minute. I then hit some gravel and spun out into a tree on the side of the interstate. I wish I didn't have such enormous guilt and anger about this. Again if you know me in real life, you know I don't have the best driving record. I have done some stupid things and I have also had some really bad luck in the past. (Let's just say I have a ticket on my record for a rolling stop, a ticket for speeding 7 over the limit on I-95 and a ticket for going though a light that turned red while I was in the intersection.) That said, I have spent the last little while being that annoying careful driver. I never speed and never take any risk. In fact, I have missed that Parham Rd. exit before and I know it is just a mile to catch the next exit that will get me to where I was going. I don't know why I was so dumb. It really sucks.
Basically I have put a serious kink in my life. I had a collapsed lung, four broken ribs, my pelvis broken in four places, and my sacrum (the bottom of the spine) broken in two places.) For awhile I couldn't move my leg and they thought I had brain damage. All of that has cleared up, but i had to have surgery and I am confined to a bed or wheel chair for the next month or two. They had to screw my pelvis together, so I can't put any weight on it until my bones heal.
The worst part for me is the trouble I have caused. I seriously messed up my life, but I have put kinks in so many people's lives that it is not funny. I am living with my Mom and step-Dad now because I can't take care of myself or manage the stairs at my house. I cost a whole lot of money. Totaled a car and lost my license. Also, my fiance now drives down from Fredericksburg almost every day. That has to put so much stress on him. I am trying to talk him into staying at least two nights a week at home, but I think I am failing because he can read me so well. Meaning I can't hide the fact that I miss him so much when I can't see him every day.
Also, I had plans to get things on track for the rest of the summer. This injury means I can't do any of the prep for my Ceramics individual study next semester. (I also might not be well enough in August to work hard core in the studio.) That means I have to push that back. Since I already pushed a Spanish class back, I won't graduate in 2011 anymore. I know that it is not the end of the world but I wanted my degree in four years. I want to head on to grad school. I don't want to be behind. Not to mention, I can't work for the rest of the summer so I will have to just be a leech off of my parents again.
I just feel so lost and sad. I knew what I had to do this summer. Now I can't do any of it. I have only lived at my new house for less than a month but I am so home sick for it. It is the best living arrangement I have had in... so long. I just feel like I finally had a chance to get my life how I wanted it and I messed it up. Daniel and I were going to find a church we both liked this summer. (He resigned his position at Ni River Church). We were going to work on starting the biblestudy we have been planning. Now we can't.
I just wish it hadn't happened. I know that is silly, because it already happened, but I just miss my life. I want to be able to be helpful and useful again. I want to be able support Dan to the best of my ability. I want to cook and clean the house. I want to work on my art. I want to be strong and healthy. I want to go to the beach for my birthday. (I haven't been since I was 16). I want to go visit my friend in NC. I just want to be able to live again.
I know I am so lucky I survived. I know I should be glad that they are predicting a full recovery. I just have spent so much careful time planning my life. I am sad I lost it.
Not to mention, I am afraid I won't be able to get all the wedding planning done since I can't really go out much until the fall. Daniel promised we would make the wedding happen, but I am scared to lose that too.
Sorry this turned into a complaint session. I am just having a really hard time with it all right now. I will post something more positive later. (Like how my eating has been great since I got home).

Thursday, April 8, 2010


Scars form elaborate mind-maps on my once delicate skin. The memories haunt me with a visceral fear. I can’t wash away the lingering images of my broken flesh I can’t forget the intensity of those moments: the hate followed by catharsis. I know I am no longer the girl huddled, bleeding in the bathroom; but I drag her memory like a ball and chain. Each scar connects me to her forever. I trace their shapes back to feelings, to desperation, to shame and I cannot escape the girl I used to be.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

There is something to be said for the day or two or ten off. There is something wonderful about extra sleep, a little less stress, and the beauty of snow fall. However, there is something else to be said about the intense stress that showers over one's life upon returning from such respite. 

So I must say, I have fallen out of love with snow days. 
It was a fickle  romance anyway. 

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

There is no Waste

"I will praise the God who gives and takes away, for he never wastes a wound."

Friday, January 22, 2010

Favorite Song of the Week

Scar - Missy Higgins

He left a card and a bar of soap with
scrubbing brush next to a note,
That said "use these down to your bones".
And before I knew I had shiny skin and
it felt easy being clean like him,
I thought "this one knows better than I do"

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle
He tried to cut me so I'd fit

And doesn't that sound familiar?
Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could've gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar that everyone wants a little more.
So that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?

So the next one came with a bag of treats,
She smelled like sugar and spoke like the sea
She told me don't, trust them trust me.
Then she pulled at my stitches one by one,
Looked at my insides clicking her tongue,

And said "This will all have to come undone".

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle,
She tried to blunt me so I'd fit.

And doesn't that sound familiar?
Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver;
the way things could have gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar,
that everyone wants a little more?
So that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?

I think I realized just in time,
about my old self was hard to find.
You can bathe me in your finest wine but I'll never give you mine.
'Cos I'm a little bit tired of fearing that
I'll be the bad fruit nobody buys,
Tell me, did you think we'd all dream the same?

And doesn't that sound familiar?
Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver;
the way things could have gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar
that everyone wants a little more?

so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?
could you leave me with a scar? ah-ah-ah.

could you leave me with a scar

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Tomorrow is not Yesterday

Depression comes from focusing on what has been. That is, it can spring from mourning -- extensively so-- the past. Anxiety, on the other hand, springs from a focus on and relentless worry about the future. In recent months, depression has had little or no place in my life. I am, however, constantly controlled by my anxiety.

My present world is peaceful and filled with love; but how can that stay? Maybe my vision is clouded by the trauma and abuse of my past, but I am consistently waiting for “the other shoe to drop”. My prayers are filled with, “God, let him stay... Let me be enough... Don’t allow me to lose this... Don’t let me push him away...” My dreams are filled with car accidents, returning sickness, anger, shame, lies, leaving, and other loves. Every little change in energy, every distracted eye, every mention of another woman cause my mind to dream up more catastrophe.

None--or extremely little-- is based in any sort of truth. The only time I am confident the world will be okay is when my head is buried in his shoulder. After a few moments, however, I worry my clinginess will push him away. I know if anything will make him leave, it is my fear. But how do I trust? How do I not worry? How do I know-- for sure-- that today is not going to be like my yesterday.

Monday, January 11, 2010

New Year's Goals

I don't make traditional "New Year's Resolutions" because I feel like they tend to be gradoise and seldom realistic, however I do have a few "New Year's Goals."

1.) Slowly reduce and ultimately eliminate Diet Coke from my life.
My dietician and I discussed the fact that my main intake is Diet Coke. I am dependent on it. I am basically pumping my body full of chemicals all day. I drink 4-7 cans a day.

2.) Not use ensures when I don't feel like eating.
I just need to eat. Just eat, even when it is uncomfortable or difficult.

3.) Balance my diet.
Protein! Vegtables! Dairy!

4.) Maintain my no purging.

5.) Stay on my meds.
For the WHOLE year.

There ya have it. Alanna's 2010 goals.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

"It is okay to be happy"

It is hard for me to grasp sometimes: the idea that I can be happy. I remember a girl who would lie her exaughisted body in front of her stereo and beg for the music to take her away. Now I see a woman who eats dinner and sits on the couch and laughs. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to learn to laugh. To really laugh: freely, from the bottom of your stomach, screeching breaths and hiccuping as you go. As someone wise said, “It is okay to be happy.”