Tuesday, July 6, 2010

My God

I am a little ashamed to say that I am mad at God right now.
I haven't confessed this to anyone... and I fell like it is ripping my heart apart. I can't make the feeling go away. I have always told people that God can handle whatever emotions that they throw God's way but I just feel like being angry at God is so wrong in this situation.
Let's face it: what happened to me sucks. However, I am blessed and lucky to have survived and to have such prospects of full recovery. I am blessed to have so many people willing to help, lift up prayers, support my family, and send me love. I try to hold onto that gratefulness, but this bitter anger keeps boiling over my heart. I am mad this happened. I am mad at myself. I don't remember what happened, but obviously I did something dumb. Then, I am mad that I wasn't protected. I feel guilty for feeling that way because I really was. However, the greedy, sad part of me wants to know why God didn't stop it from happening. It wants to know why God didn't just let my car spin and not hit the tree. Why did I have to have such bad injuries? I know it is a silly question game, but it is still there. I look at my cut from the glass on my arm or at my legs in the wheel chair and wonder why I have to carry this. I don't believe in a God that punishes us, but I feel like I deserved this.
I don;t really know where I am going with this. I don't have too many people i feel like I can broach this subject with. I just can't keep it to myself anymore. I am having trouble talking to God because I feel such intense emotions. I hope this passes in time, but I know it will involve some work on my part.