Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Thanksgiving has always been a difficult time for me. This year, however, I finally feel some peace about where I am. Last year I wanted things to be perfect. I was falling apart inside and somehow I thought the perfect Thanksgiving would fix it. It turns out my Eating Disorder ruled the day: I purged seven times. I had a good time at my brothers, but I wish I hadn't snuck off so many times to pay a penance to a "god". This year, I decided to let go. It hit me that Thanksgiving is just a day. It doesn't matter how many traumatic things (an intervention, my grandfather's heart attack...) have happened in the past. It doesn't matter that it won't be a perfectly traditional holiday: it is just a day.
I feel that this reflects so much of how my life has changed. I no longer NEED everything to be perfect. (Okay, let's be honest I am still a perfectionist, but I have some acceptance for imperfection.) I can let go. I have learned to use my voice and pay attention to what I need. I am no where near completely healthy and completely happy but I am so far from where I have been.
So this year, more than anything, I am thankful for change, hope, and recovery.
Posted by alannajoy at 6:54 PM