Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Posted by alannajoy at 6:40 AM
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Posted by alannajoy at 6:39 PM
Friday, March 13, 2009
Over the past four years, I have put you through torture. I cut your flesh, starved you, berated you with abusive comments and hateful slurs, violently stuffed you full of everything but what you truly needed, forced you to sacrifice all-- even the positive-- you held, and never let you rest: pushing you to do just one more thing. Yet you, my God-given companion, stayed with me. You persevered through the stress. I been kept alive in your care even though you would have justified in quitting: in letting me go.You should be proud, body.
Because I have become so distrustful of the world, every negative emotion has been harbored deep within me and taken out on the only safe place: my very own body. For that, I am truly sorry. It is not, after-all, your fault I have only ever known broken promises, lies, changes, and losses. No, you have been the opposite of all of that. I hope if you can't forgive it, you can at least understand why I took advantage of your virtue .It was wrong. I would do anything to change the hateful things I thought about your thighs on the school bus in elementary school and your reflection in middle school, but that is the past. The precedent was set and ingrained throughout the years. That is why it is so hard to change the pattern now. I try. I fight for you, but sometimes it is too hard. Sometimes I can't grasp another way to cope. I promise to keep trying, but I don't know if I am ready yet.I still feel bitter toward you. I still want to change you .I am still hurting. I still have no safe way to express that pain. Stay with me. Someday I will learn to love you. Someday I will treat you as you were meant to be treated.
Posted by alannajoy at 11:25 AM
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I thought we were passed the formality of letters, but it seems you are taking over again. I have been content to ignore your reappearance in my life. In fact, ED, I have even made extra room for you to move in comfortably. You know, I am really beginning to see that you are quite the bastard. You promised it would be short and sweet this time: just ten pounds and then you were gone. Thank you, but after losing eight, gaining five, losing two, gaining four, gaining three more, losing one etc… nothing has changed.
I gave you most everything you wanted: I threw up when you said I ate too much. (ED, do your realize how hard that is when you share a bathroom with ten other girls? Do you realize the lies I had to tell my roommate and friends?) I stopped eating breakfast. I skipped lunches with friends. I slept or worked through dinners. I binged on junk for the sole purpose of throwing it up. I punished myself with razor blades and isolation…
ED, this isn’t working. You are right; I do want to be thin. I want that so much, but I am tired of this futility. I know that you have been the only true constant in my life; so please don’t try that one again. We all know I am afraid to let you go…but it is past time. I am tired. Three years, ED. Three years of tears, vomit, blood, lies, pain, and restriction. I don’t want to be stuck in this forever. I can admit that I am terrified. At this moment though, I think I have to live in that fear for a while. Letting you go feels like ripping the very fibers of my being apart. I don’t know how I let you become such a part of me, but it is not okay anymore.
They say you are not suppose to let your enemy see your weakness, but I would rather be honest than strong. I am not always sure I want you to leave. There is something so very appealing about bones, about being able to disappear, about surviving on nothing but diet coke. I think that the pursuit of thinness will always be alluring; but, with time, I will learn to focus on real things.
I am going to have a life. I am going to go beyond surviving. Yes, I am crying as I write this. Yes, I don’t fully believe it. Yes, I don’t really think I deserve all that. You can’t use any of that against me. You don’t have any weapons tonight. I know this is going to be hard, but everything worth it is hard. I don’t want your pain anymore…
I believe I am starting to loathe you.
Posted by alannajoy at 8:45 AM
Friday, March 6, 2009
Posted by alannajoy at 3:50 PM