Dawn of Redemption

Cleansing tears streak down my face and I know this is the end of an era. This is the time to fully heal.

This is the dawn of my redemption.

For so long I have meandered between sick and sicker; however, it is time to let go, to surrender. It is time to laugh and love and believe. It is time to finally be free.

Fear has always kept me trapped within my patterns. Fear has kept me sick. Fear has limited me. In this moment, I feel God whispering, “Fear not, I am with you. Oh be not afraid.” I feel God’s hand in mine as I turn from the traps that I have always fallen into. I am ready. God, I am ready. I have been through hell, but I am ready to forgive. I am ready to let the past stop haunting me. I am ready to risk loving again. I am ready to risk breaking. I am ready.

I AM ENGAGED!

I want to tell the world...

I AM SO HAPPY!

I want to tell the world my news, but figure I need to tell some people myself before they read it in the blog world.

Recovery has had such great things for me. I never would have been able to enjoy this amazing life without being clear minded.

I just want to sing!

There is a man...

There is a man, full of strength and grace. Who stole my heart in the gentlest way. I have never felt such love. I have never found such peace in someone's arms. When he looks at me, I almost feel complete. With his hand in mine, my brokenness fades away and I am as beautiful as he says I am. For once, I feel content.

I want to push away. I want to find something wrong with it all. I want to say I am not worthy and quietly slip into the empty spaces where relationships cannot exist. I want him to tell I am too much or not enough. I want him to find someone else, as wonderful as he is.

Then again, it breaks my heart to think about being without him. If you take salt away from food, the food doesn't change, but the whole experience of eating does. In the same way, he has become the salt in my life. Take him away and the sky is a different color blue , the air is thicker, the water is darker.

Maybe that is what really scares me. Maybe, that is why I have been so needy and eager for reassurance: He has changed my world. I have let him in deeper than anyone and if he leaves, what will be left of my already broken soul?

Grace greater than Doubt

My faith has never dwindled. I have been mad at God, distant from God. I have been lost and unable to find God, but I have always known that "it is by Grace [alone] I have been saved." It is by Grace alone, I can stand here. As incomplete, flawed, imperfect and broken as I am, All that i have is due to my God. This truth... is un-shatterable.

We all experience God-- or the Divine, if you will-- in unique ways. We all feel God's presence at different times, in different ways, through different means. That is the essence of the Holy Spirit: it effects each heart in a special way, it meets each heart where it is, it knows where and how and when to appeal to each of us individually.

Perhaps, this is why I have never lost my faith. Perhaps, it is not that I have never lost it; but that GOD has never let me go. The Holy Spirit has always found me, always found the perfect way or perfect person to appeal to my heart of hearts. Because of this, I owe my God more than I can fathom.