Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A couple letters to my Eating Disorder

Spring 2008
Dear ED-

I thought we were passed the formality of letters, but it seems you are taking over again. I have been content to ignore your reappearance in my life. In fact, ED, I have even made extra room for you to move in comfortably. You know, I am really beginning to see that you are quite the bastard. You promised it would be short and sweet this time: just ten pounds and then you were gone. Thank you, but after losing eight, gaining five, losing two, gaining four, gaining three more, losing one etc… nothing has changed.
I gave you most everything you wanted: I threw up when you said I ate too much. (ED, do your realize how hard that is when you share a bathroom with ten other girls? Do you realize the lies I had to tell my roommate and friends?) I stopped eating breakfast. I skipped lunches with friends. I slept or worked through dinners. I binged on junk for the sole purpose of throwing it up. I punished myself with razor blades and isolation…
ED, this isn’t working. You are right; I do want to be thin. I want that so much, but I am tired of this futility. I know that you have been the only true constant in my life; so please don’t try that one again. We all know I am afraid to let you go…but it is past time. I am tired. Three years, ED. Three years of tears, vomit, blood, lies, pain, and restriction. I don’t want to be stuck in this forever. I can admit that I am terrified. At this moment though, I think I have to live in that fear for a while. Letting you go feels like ripping the very fibers of my being apart. I don’t know how I let you become such a part of me, but it is not okay anymore.
They say you are not suppose to let your enemy see your weakness, but I would rather be honest than strong. I am not always sure I want you to leave. There is something so very appealing about bones, about being able to disappear, about surviving on nothing but diet coke. I think that the pursuit of thinness will always be alluring; but, with time, I will learn to focus on real things.
I am going to have a life. I am going to go beyond surviving. Yes, I am crying as I write this. Yes, I don’t fully believe it. Yes, I don’t really think I deserve all that. You can’t use any of that against me. You don’t have any weapons tonight. I know this is going to be hard, but everything worth it is hard. I don’t want your pain anymore…
I believe I am starting to loathe you.


Spring 2009
Dear Ed,

I am so tired of this crap! I am suppose to be having a fun spring break and instead I am locked in a psych unit. Thanks. 
You really messed things up this time. This isn't Remuda. This isn't loving, supportive, and warm. It is cold, hard, and locked. Believe me, you and I will never tango like this again. Who the hell cares if I weigh more than I want. I am alive now. I don't start living when I am emaciated. In fact, Ed, that is when I die. There, I said it: I am not invincible. I can get hurt. I admit it, i accept it, and I embrace it. 
All of my cuts won't be healed by the time I leave and neither will all my hurts, but I WILL have control again. I WILL be the boss of our relationship, ED. From now on, I am not your slave. I won't do everything you ask. I won't mindlessly submit to all your whims. 
Oh, I know you are laughing right now. You are saying to yourself, "I will get back in." You may get in at times, but you aren't going to win. There is not a change, Ed. Not a chance in HELL.
Get out of my life, 
Alanna 

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