Saturday, July 3, 2010

The aftermath of the wreck

So, I try to stick to eating disorder issues on this blog, but I feel like I need to share what has happened recently. I thought about using my other blog but I try to keep that one upbeat so I don't want to go to much into this on there.

For those of you that know me in real life, you have probably heard I was in a bad car accident a few weeks ago. I don't remember anything about it. According to the witness, I started to miss my exit and tried to get it at the last minute. I then hit some gravel and spun out into a tree on the side of the interstate. I wish I didn't have such enormous guilt and anger about this. Again if you know me in real life, you know I don't have the best driving record. I have done some stupid things and I have also had some really bad luck in the past. (Let's just say I have a ticket on my record for a rolling stop, a ticket for speeding 7 over the limit on I-95 and a ticket for going though a light that turned red while I was in the intersection.) That said, I have spent the last little while being that annoying careful driver. I never speed and never take any risk. In fact, I have missed that Parham Rd. exit before and I know it is just a mile to catch the next exit that will get me to where I was going. I don't know why I was so dumb. It really sucks.
Basically I have put a serious kink in my life. I had a collapsed lung, four broken ribs, my pelvis broken in four places, and my sacrum (the bottom of the spine) broken in two places.) For awhile I couldn't move my leg and they thought I had brain damage. All of that has cleared up, but i had to have surgery and I am confined to a bed or wheel chair for the next month or two. They had to screw my pelvis together, so I can't put any weight on it until my bones heal.
The worst part for me is the trouble I have caused. I seriously messed up my life, but I have put kinks in so many people's lives that it is not funny. I am living with my Mom and step-Dad now because I can't take care of myself or manage the stairs at my house. I cost a whole lot of money. Totaled a car and lost my license. Also, my fiance now drives down from Fredericksburg almost every day. That has to put so much stress on him. I am trying to talk him into staying at least two nights a week at home, but I think I am failing because he can read me so well. Meaning I can't hide the fact that I miss him so much when I can't see him every day.
Also, I had plans to get things on track for the rest of the summer. This injury means I can't do any of the prep for my Ceramics individual study next semester. (I also might not be well enough in August to work hard core in the studio.) That means I have to push that back. Since I already pushed a Spanish class back, I won't graduate in 2011 anymore. I know that it is not the end of the world but I wanted my degree in four years. I want to head on to grad school. I don't want to be behind. Not to mention, I can't work for the rest of the summer so I will have to just be a leech off of my parents again.
I just feel so lost and sad. I knew what I had to do this summer. Now I can't do any of it. I have only lived at my new house for less than a month but I am so home sick for it. It is the best living arrangement I have had in... so long. I just feel like I finally had a chance to get my life how I wanted it and I messed it up. Daniel and I were going to find a church we both liked this summer. (He resigned his position at Ni River Church). We were going to work on starting the biblestudy we have been planning. Now we can't.
I just wish it hadn't happened. I know that is silly, because it already happened, but I just miss my life. I want to be able to be helpful and useful again. I want to be able support Dan to the best of my ability. I want to cook and clean the house. I want to work on my art. I want to be strong and healthy. I want to go to the beach for my birthday. (I haven't been since I was 16). I want to go visit my friend in NC. I just want to be able to live again.
I know I am so lucky I survived. I know I should be glad that they are predicting a full recovery. I just have spent so much careful time planning my life. I am sad I lost it.
Not to mention, I am afraid I won't be able to get all the wedding planning done since I can't really go out much until the fall. Daniel promised we would make the wedding happen, but I am scared to lose that too.
Sorry this turned into a complaint session. I am just having a really hard time with it all right now. I will post something more positive later. (Like how my eating has been great since I got home).