Attachment

Therapist: "Let's talk about attachment."

Me: "...okay..."

Therapist:"Attach: You don't"

Me: "Alright, I guess we are done here then."

I have lived under the delusion that because I am now honest with my treatment team, my girls in group, and occasionally a few select others; I no longer have problems letting people in. However, the truth is that although I am now an active participant in life, I don't attach. In fact, I take great pride in my independence. I always have. I am not so naive as to believe I can survive alone, but I always make sure not to put too much on any other person. I fight people when they try to help me. My therapist used the analogy that often times I am drowning and when someone dives in to save me, I kick and flail and end up drowning them too. ( The Guilt Monster in my head started to scream how horrible I was at that point, but I told it to shut-up. I don't need to judge, I need to learn new ways of living.)

After a few more minutes of talk we boiled the issue down to trust. I don't trust anyone. I trust people with little things here and there, but as far as global trust goes I have none.

I really had to look at how lonely I am, how stuck in my ways I am, and how freaking stubborn I am. Starting to make changes is not so easy.