Life Changing Events

Life is full of inexplicable and meaningful events. Some things change us on such a deep level, that although it is impossible to describe the difference, we are forever elementally changed. My older sister, Becky, died in a tragic car accident in August of 2005. I will never be able to describe the change, but I can describe the event: 

The cold air penetrated every cell in my body. I was almost surprised that the liquid in the IV bags was not frozen solid. The cold didn’t matter, though, because Becky’s hand was still warm in mine. I wanted nothing to do with the warm drinks or trips to get some fresh air. All I wanted to do was hold on.
The nurse came in to check the life support machines. Her eyes had seen tragedy like this before and were perceptive of the needs of everyone in the room. After seeing the bluish tint to my lips and my shivering figure, she brought me a warm blanket. I wrapped the white blanket (which was oddly familiar) around my shoulders and continued holding on to my big sis. Memories and regrets flew spasmodically through my head as all sense of time drowned in shock and grief. At some point, I compromised to sit in the big chair at the foot of the bed and pile more blankets on my freezing body. As my body temperature rose, my exhaustion finally registered with my brain. It was, after-all, almost 7:30a.m. and I had not slept – let alone let my thoughts stop racing. My eye lids took on a life or their own; closing against my will. I slipped into a dreamless unconsciousness, lulled by the unnatural rhythm of Becky’s assisted breath.
I was reaching for the snooze button before I realized that the loud beeping was not my alarm clock. My eyes rocketed open just in time to see a pair of pastel scrubs run past me. I stood up and started to walk toward the bed, but a calm, practiced voice said, “Sweetheart, we need to ask ya’ll to leave the room for a minute,” For some strange reason—such as breakfast—only my grandfather and I were in the room. We walked out the door before I thought to protest. My feet hit the hard shinning tile floor as an echoing and unnaturally calm voice come over the intercom: “Code Blue. Code BLUE.” The world started to spin wildly around, my mom and brother-in-law dashed down the hall as if the voice had called their names. Not yet comprehending exactly what was going on, I said: “You can’t go in there; they ask us to leave.” Realization slapped me with a harsh hand as my mother’s voice filled my ears, “They aren’t coding her? They are not!”
My memory turns into spurts of voices, faces, and uneven rhythms of space and time. My mind filled with the same repeating thoughts, “She crashed. She’s really gone. Gone…gone.” All words were lost on me: I could not think. Tears: pain overflowing the bounds of shocked eyes, voices too calm for the situation, and a small waiting room. Tissue boxes, hands begging for companions, sudden anger, fighting, empty echoing bathroom, cold, cold water.

The Joy Translation

Translated from Matthew 6: 25 and following to words applicable to my E.D. recovery


“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you weigh. Is not health more important than appearance, and life more important than fat? Look at the birds of the air, they do not binge or purge or starve themselves, and yet they are loved and accepted. Don’t you have more to offer the world than they? Who of you by trying so hard can make life any better?
And why do you worry about being perfect? See how the lilies of the field grow. They are not perfect. Yet I tell you than not even the celebrities you admire were not as wonderful as one of these. If that is how God made the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow mowed down, will God not make you more naturally wonderful? So do not worry saying, “What should I eat?” or “How should I exercise?” or “How will I make the grade?”. For the unhappy run after all of these things, but seek first a trusting relationship with God, and the answers will be given to you in time.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will handle itself. Today has enough battles to fight on its own.”

To all the "Wise Women" that have crossed my path

In a life filled with hardship, I have been blessed by the presence of a few amazing women. They are women of grace, of God, of hope, of strength. Women that prove tears have never been a sign of weakness. Women who have spun their disasters, dysfunctions, and sufferings into a cloth of healing.. They have been women that cared and helped while always allowing me to grow and change at my own pace. Not one of these women meets the idealized standard of perfection. Not one is without flaw. Each, however, is made that much more fabulous by their scars.. They are real. They are true. They are inspiration They amaze me.

The Inspiration for the name of this blog is the song "Little Black Sandals" by Sia. It encompasses how I feel about my recovery right now. 

"Little Black Sandals"

I'm being dragged down, down by the hand
The hand of a golden giant man
He's crushing my knuckles
Splitting my skin, he says he'll let go
If only I'd ask it of him

He says
Girl, it's your call
You wanna fly
You wanna fall
So I shout
I wanna get away from you
As fast as I can
I tell my feet to move it
I hope they have a plan

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Are heading the right way

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Saved my life today

So now I'm free
Free
From the big bad giant
Who was stalking me
Thank you feet, for guiding me
I'm glad somehow I got brains down there, at least

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Are heading the right way

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Saved my life today

Sometimes I'm tempted
Sometimes I am
I would be lying if I said I didn't miss that giant man
He was the line between pleasure and pain
But me and the feet have some years to reclaim

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Are heading the right way

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Saved my life today