Wednesday, February 25, 2009


My life is falling apart again. Don't worry, I know it will come back together; but for now I am stuck deciding the best way to pick up the pieces.
To keep things on the positive side, I am going to post a few quotes that need to be heard right now. 

“Once you’ve had enough and you can’t do it anymore, you consider the possibility that there might be a better way. That’s when your head cracks open and God comes in.” - Marianne Wiliamson

"Every time you feel hurt, offended or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: 'These feelings, strong as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself. The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the beloved from all eternity, and held safe in an everlasting embrace."
Henri J.M. Nouwen

“There is a brokenness
out of which comes the unbroken.
There is a shatteredness
out of which blooms the unshatterable.
There is sorrow beyond all grief,
which leads to joy; and a fragility
out of whose depths emerges strength.
There is a hollow space too vast for words
through which we pass with each loss,
out of whose darkness
we are sanctioned into being.”

“Listen to your heart,. It knows all things, because it came from the Soul of the World and it will one day return there.”
Paulo Coelho

“No matter how long your journey appears to be, there is never more than this: one step, one breath, one moment--now."
Eckhart Tolle

“The process of personal growth isn’t always easy. We must face our own ugliness. We often must become painfully aware of the unworkability of a pattern before we’re willing to give it up. If often seems, in fact, that our lives get worse rather than better when we begin to work deeply on ourselves.”
Marianne Williamson.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A Whispered Prayer

Dear God, help me to fly far away from where I am. I need to move on faster than I can crawl. Help me to be the person I strive to be, the person I am meant to be, the person I want to be. 

Please God, help the past stop hurting me. Help resentment stop haunting me. Help me become more patient, more giving, more forgiving
Help me believe. I am pleading for clarity and wisdom. I am begging for hope. I need a glimpse of something beautiful. I need a reason to keep holding on.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


Some claim there is such beauty in numbers. I don't see anything glorious in them. To me, they are more instruments of torture. My days--and sometimes my nights-- are full of numbers. Was that one grain or two? Can I count that as three servings? *** calories. 7528 steps. Too many. Too few. Weight: too high. Wait... did that yogurt have 80 calories or 100. Did I accidently drink regular soda? Should I add 120 calories  to my total just to be safe? 

I hate numbers. ED, however, loves them. He uses them to torture me. The tenths of a pound on the scale become so significant. I am required to add and re-add my calorie intake, to constantly check the pedometer on my phone, to check my weight in every outfit I own. 

I hate numbers. I hate ED. 

Monday, February 2, 2009

An imaginary expanse

I am struggling with image today. The monster is in my head complaining, screaming, angry and with it I feel my body expand in parts. Stomach, thighs, arms, cheeks. I know that it is impossible they are larger than they were yesterday by more than millimeters, but it feels like more than that. I call these days, "fat days". I have heard people without EDs talk about "fat days", and I wonder if it is the same. I want to hear that it is not. I want to hear that people without EDs don't cry about how they look. I want to hear that they have never felt a sudden expanding of their own flesh (an imaginary expanding).  Yet, I have a feeling that is not true. Why do we spend so much time hating ourselves? Why do these feelings haunt me? How do you make it go away?