Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Missing You

Dear ED 

I miss you today.
 I miss the strength and resolve I felt when your arms were wrapped around me. I miss melting into that deep, all consuming exhaustion. I miss always having a rock to cling to, always have an escape plan, always having you. 
I can, however, no longer ignore the pain you bring. 
I don't understand why I miss you, ED. You took (and are still taking) so much from me. Faith, hope, health, money, trust, relationships... It didn't matter what it meant to me, you flushed it down the drain. You left me with a shell of a life, ED. A shell only you could fill.
 Sometimes, I wonder why you stopped. You could have taken it all. Why leave me empty and begging? 
 I want to be that special again. I want to have that secret no one can touch. I want to know I am strong, untouchable, and glamorously fragile.  The problem is that I can now see how much it cost. I can see that no matter how amazing all of that is, the price is too high. I have so much more now than I ever did when I was with you. So much more. 
Oh ED... I wish I had never met you. I wish I didn't know of your strange comforts. I wish I wasn't tempted by your pain. I am going to learn how to stand on my own now. 
I have to: You and I don't work. 


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