Meltdown explained

Last night I had a major melt down. I mentioned below that it was inexplicable, but the more I thought about it, the more I began to see all the things that could have triggered it. Perhaps the most profound realization I had is that maybe the emotion and panic was so intense, so overwhelming because I haven't allowed myself a moment to process all the little things --and not so little things-- that have happened. The bout of crazy anxiety I have had has kept my attention focused on being safe. Not to mention, it has been much easier to avoid thinking about all these things. 

That said, last night at group things I have forbade myself to linger on poured out of my mouth. I cried there, but it was one of those restricted cries. One of the cries that just cause more tears to build in you heart. A lot of issues were brought up. A lot of my feelings were validated. A lot of things were brought to my attention. 

First thing, I am not giving myself an ounce of credit. I have been off a lot of my medication for a month and a half. I have not seen my therapist in four weeks, my dietician in two, and my psychiatrist in two months. Yet, it has been 14.5 weeks since I self-harmed. I am not eating perfectly balanced meals, but I am holding my ground against ED. I am okay. I have had these panic attacks. I have bought razors. I have purged. But the thing is, I threw the razors away. I dealt with the panic attacks, I did the next right thing. I am okay. I am surviving. I need to realize that. 

Also... the whole scare did not go away the moment it was technically proven to be nothing. I have been thinking it is over and done with, but the ladies at group made me realize there are still ripples in the pond. That is a big ol' rock to throw in. It scared the crap out of me. It made me re-evaluate. It changed me. I need to embrace that and give myself time to recover and heal. I need time to be at peace with it. 

Related to that, I have been doing things that I am not comfortable with. It was hard for me to realize this, but when Susan said it is okay to not want to... I just felt such relief flood over me. I had already vowed not to because of the scare we had, but it felt like that had to be the reason. What if I don't want to share my body? What if I am not ready for that? I need to let that be okay. 

This is list could go on but those were the major things I wanted off my chest.