Tuesday, October 13, 2009

It is time...

Last week was full of struggles. I sat on the bathroom floor Sunday evening engulfed in tears. I heard myself sob to the silence that, "I... can't... fall apart... like this... again." I wanted to scream at myself for falling so hard. I couldn't believe I had done the very thing I hate most. I couldn't believe I was throwing so much away. Instead of wallowing, I stood up, cleaned up my mess, pulled on a sweatshirt and headed out to my car.

I let tears trickle down my cheeks as I drove to Richmond. I whispered prayers of desperation, of shame, and prayers desperate for forgiveness. I crawled into bed at my mother's house feeling safer than I did at home, but still scared for my future. I could feel the demons I have fought so hard to shake breathing down my neck. If anyone has ever needed to scream for God, I did then. And amazingly... I did. I called. I let myself ride a silent prayer into sleep: and that has made all the difference.
I awoke the next morning in a state of peace. I went about my plans for the day: shopping and coffee with my mother, a movie with a friend. Until... I ran out of gas. Normally, this would of set off panic, self-loathing, and utter despair, but instead I was rational. As I sat in my car waiting for my rescue to come, I was struck by the analogy this situation provided. I neglected my car and put myself into quite the crisis, but the easiest way to solve this was to remain calm and do the "next right thing". (Kudos to Jenni Schafer for coining that phrase.) I needed to call for help, learn from my mistakes, and just move on.
I arrived to therapy and group that evening with a feeling of awe. I was almost numb from the intensity of all that I was seeing and feeling. I was emerging from my denial and hopelessness and it was amazing.
The next morning I walked into Elisabeth's office to hear her speak fervently about the hope for my future "Recovered" life. It was one of the most empowering things I have heard. I knew in those moments that this IS a choice. That I CAN rewire my brain. I WILL get past this. I will.
It is hard to explain what I am feeling tonight, but I think it is the first taste of real, true, all encompassing hope I have ever had. I just feel like there is so much more to life that I have let myself see. (And yes, I mean LET myself see. It has always been there. I have just pushed it away.) I went to a bible study tonight and was totally struck by the phrase:
"You have all of the Holy Spirt, but does the Holy Spirit have all of you?"
It just hit me that if I would give myself fully to what is good and true, I would fully be able to experience what is good and true. It is time to let myself, "be filled with the Spirit." It is time, Alanna.
It is time.

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