I am trying so hard to let "words be words" but I just had an upsetting conversation. I know that I should of moved this girl out of my circle a LONG time ago, but sometimes, I just can't let go of people. I made this mistake of telling her I had a bad night Monday. She went off about how I am a huge liar and I am not recovering. I told her, as I was advised a few weeks ago by girls in group, that a slip is a slip. Recovery is a process. We had a lot of drama surrounding this, but eventually I cut the conversation off and went out for the night. Today, I sent her an invite to TWOLHA day on Nov. 13th (more on that later). She then messaged me saying she was rejecting the invite. After a short conversation, I got called a bunch of uncreative names. Then was told I am not in recovery because I refuse to Webcam. (That is one of my therapy goals, after-all: to be able to webcam. <-- SARCASM) I was told that recovery has turned me into an arrogant bitch. (I think it is just turned me into a real, honest human that doesn't let people walk all over her.) The clincher was the second she, in all caps, proclaimed that, "AT LEAST I WEAR A 00..." She went onto say that, "Skinny is beautiful" and all she needs. She said, "I can weight xx pounds and eat whatever I want." Then slyly asked if I was triggered. The truth is, I wasn't triggered to hear her weight. I don't want to wear a 00 or be xx pounds. I want to be healthy. Yes, I have body image issues. Yes, I want to weigh a little less than I do, but I don't want to be that sick. EVER. Period. What hurts is not what she said. What hurts is not that she essentially told me I am fat. What hurts is that I lost another connection to my past. I know, however, that I don't need abuse in my life. I have some amazing Wise Women supporting me: that is what I need. I can't waste time and energy trying to help someone that obviously doesn't want to be loved. I hate losing people. I hate pushing them away. I wish I could save her: I am only human.
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