Between Letting Go and Holding On

The hardest part about recovery is being in the middle. The hardest part isn't gaining weight or eating meals. The hardest part isn't admitting you need help. No, iIt is the fact that some days you wake up with such a energy and love for life; but some days, you wake up just wanting to be dead. It is the fact that you feel guilty for using behaviors AND you feel guilty when you don't. It is that there is a constant fight it your head. It is hating yourself for slipping up while loving that you lost weight. It is the constant deciding between health and disorder. It is hating yourself while still taking care of yourself. It is the search for true passion, true self worth, and true hope.

That is recovery for me.... never having to fight these voices in my head again. Every bite I take makes them quieter. Every time I don't purge they lose a little. I can do this. it can be done. I just have to remember that.