Saturday, January 31, 2009

The sun shining through the east facing window, the sounds of my roommates soft breathing, the lingering snow outside my window, and the steaming cup of tea in front of me created the perfect setting to just think.

 I wonder why I am so fixated on a number. I wonder why I am so surprised when people remember me. I wonder how my parents could have been different. I wonder if my childhood was an improvement on theirs. I wonder how God knew to bring these amazing women into my life recently. I wonder how God is back in my life. I wonder if I was led to take the Nuero-theology class. I wonder if people know how broken I am. I wonder what glue is holding me together. Then I wonder how I am here to wonder at all. 
With all I have done to my poor body (don't equate pity to love: we still aren't really friends) how I can sit here healthy as a horse and type this. Between the eating disorder, the self harm, the diet pills... I shouldn't still have a body to live in. I still don't take the best care of my body... but I am grateful to still have it. I may hate its shape and build, but it is strong. I may want it to be smaller, but God knows it has put up with a lot. 
So today, I am thankful I have a body that allows me to live. Even when I am miserable, even when I call it names, even when I want it to die; my body is there for me. 
That is pretty amazing.